Dopey Detectives
by Starcharter-75
Summary: After having their lives saved by the Crystal Gems, three young men vow to repay their debts to society and become detectives. But when you're as incompetent as these three, how can you expect to get anything done? (Partially based on the Three Stooges short 'Blunder Boys')
1. A Gem of a Jam

_In front of the Funland Arcade stand three men in generally shabby clothing. They are standing in front of a partially-dug ditch._

Man #1: My, how the mighty may fall. And we certainly have fallen, wouldn't you say, gentlemen?

_The two men nod somewhat solemnly._

Man #1: And for those of you who don't know who we are, well, you're about to find out. I'm Halliday.

Man #2: I'm Tarriday.

Man #3: I'm Valentine's Day!

_The man giggles and holds up a yellow bow, taut with the opposite force of arrow containing a heart-shaped edge pointing to his right. Not paying attention, he lets go of the arrow and hears a yelp a moment later. He looks over- and finds the arrow sticking to Halliday's bottom. The annoyed Halliday removes the arrow and trudges up to the somewhat afraid Man #3. He holds the arrow up in his clutches._

Halliday: Would you be more careful with that?!

_Halliday rips the arrow in half._

Man #3: But that's my only arrow…

Halliday: Quiet, Cupid!

_Halliday slaps Man #3 in the head. Man #3 motions towards Halliday with slapstick vengeance in his mind, but Tarriday intervenes, pushing the two apart from each other._

Tarriday: Guys! We have a story to tell here!

_The two back away from each other._

Halliday: Pardon him; he always interrupts. His name's Mark, by the way. Anyway, the story you are about to hear is all true, nothing but the facts. Here's how it all happened…

* * *

It started a few months ago; not far from here, actually. We had just been discharged from the army after a brief stint as soldiers. We were happy to be back in Beach City, back with the shimmering white sands and those beloved French-fry bits, and we had been on the beach together, watching the sunset and trading banter. At least until Mark over here saw some sort of opening.

"Hey, guys!" We looked over at him, and he had pointed to a small opening in the cliffside nearby. We weren't sure what was inside, but Mark wanted to go in, so we did. It turned out to be some sort of cave, but it didn't look like any ordinary cave: these strange, massive crystals hung from the ceiling and drove into the ground, at least where there was ground. A small pathway guided us forward, further into the cave.

"What a spooky place…" Tarriday had thought aloud.

"Swell hideaway for a monster," Mark had also thought aloud, a thought that made me and Tarriday jump.

"Cut that out!" I slapped the guy right in the kisser. "Nothing's gonna happen; absolutely nothing! I mean, it's just a cave, a natural formation in the earth; what could happen?"

"I don't know; people go missing in caves all the time." Annoyed, I turned to him and held up my right hand.

"Say Tarriday, pick two of these fingers."

"Okay, I'll take this one and that one," he had responded, as he pointed to my index finger and my ring finger.

"You got 'em!" I poked him in the eyes with the two fingers he had chosen. "Now come on, let's get out of here!" Before we could move, though, I heard a low grumble. Scared, I turned to Mark. "D-did you just hear that?"

"Y-Yeah. It sounded l-like a m-monster." Before I could respond, the monster that we had heard fell to the ground before us.

I am not exaggerating when I say that this thing was enormous. It had these long, extendable legs, or arms, I'm not really sure which, and its main body was colored light blue and had these cone-shaped spikes all over it. All three of us screamed- and started running as fast as we could. However, it wasn't long before the monster had caught us, and had us in its grasp. We were staring Death in its horrid face, and all three of us knew it.

"Hey, Halliday," Mark shouted.

"Yeah?"

"You know, you never paid me that five dollars for helping you move that furniture!"

"Oh, I'd moider you… but we're about to die anyway!" I struggled with the tentacle that held me, even if I knew it wouldn't do me any good. But then, when all seemed hopeless, someone saved us.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something white collide with the outer shell of the monster. His attention turned to whoever had thrown the object and he tossed us to the ground. Tarriday and I began to run away, but Mark was fixated at the monster, who was now engaging battle with the force that had saved us. I ran back to him.

"Come on, you nitwit, before that monster sees us again!" Mark remain unmoving, so I had to drag him back towards the exit to the cave. That was when I got my first good look at our saviors.

It was an amazing sight. Even though they looked human, there was a certain godliness to them, such a godliness that even today I cannot understand. And there wasn't just one, but three of them! One of them had a black afro, wore these peculiar sunglasses and massive gloves, and overall had a very muscular build. Another one of them had skin as white as snow and wielded this strange-looking spear; I quickly pinpointed her as our savior. The final one was much shorter than the other two, had long, pale-purple hair, was quite tubby, and was attacking the monster with a long whip. Sadly, this view lasted only a few seconds before we entered another room; they and the monster were out of our sight.

The incident changed our then short lives. We wanted to help people just as they had helped us. But how could someone as incompetent and uncooperative as us help anyone? We had no idea.


	2. The Dubbing of the Dopey Detectives

_Halliday is chatting with someone on the phone as we return. He hangs up and refocuses himself._

Halliday: Good, you're back. For those of you who don't remember, I'm Halliday.

Tarriday: I'm Tarriday.

Mark: I'm Christmas Day!

_Mark holds up a Christmas stocking and begins singing a Christmas carol._

Mark: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the wa-"

_The annoyed Halliday walks over, grabs the stocking, and bashes Mark over the head with it, knocking him down into the partially dug hole. He pulls himself up and wipes the dirt off his face._

Mark: I'll tell Santa Claus on you!

Halliday: Eh, I've got eight months, so shut up about it.

_Halliday returns to his formed position._

Halliday: Anyway, we decided to be detectives. To get the proper training, we went to this far off place called The University of Philadelphia to study criminology…

_Tarriday moves behind Haliday, the former's face visible above the right shoulder of the latter._

Tarriday: And we graduated.

_Mark also moves behind Halliday, his face above the left shoulder._

Mark: With the lowest possible honors!

Halliday: Who's telling the story here?!

_Halliday bops Tarriday and Mark in the face simultaneously, without turning around, and the two return to their former positions._

Halliday: Anyway, once we graduated, we went back to Beach City in hopes that we could find our beloved heroes again. Until then, we registered at the Beach City Police Department, and the police chief already had a job ready for us…

* * *

"Now boys, I want you to pay strict attention." These had been the chief's first words upon reading our application.

"Yes?" We responded simultaneously to the chief.

"We've received a tip from an anonymous source that a family is going to be murdered at precisely 3:35 PM today."

"Yes, yes?"

"We don't know the identity of the potential murderer, and we don't know if he has any accomplices, but it is your job to capture him and to keep the family safe- at all costs."

"Yes, yes, yes?"

"And if you fail, then you're fired!"

"Yes, ye- no, we'll get 'em."

"Here's the address." The chief handed us a piece of paper with an address written on it. "I trust you with this, so… get to work!" We left his office, excited for the case.

"Can you believe it; our first case," Tarriday proudly proclaimed.

"I know!" Mark was just as enthusiastic as Tarriday, but I was more interested in ensuring that everything went well.

"You lamebrains just try not to mess anything up. I don't want a repeat of the time you trashed that lady's home while she was away."

"It was only an inconvenience that the flower pot was in my way."

"Well, it cost five thousand dollars, and she was peeved when she got back."

"Can we just get moving? Maybe this guy decided to show up a little early."

"You're right, let's go!"

It took us a little while; my partners were clowning around some, but we eventually got there- to the sight of an open door. Panicked thoughts ran through my head.

"We're too late," I cried out.

"You sure? We've still got a half-hour before he's supposed to show up."

"Look at the open door! Look at it! There's probably a pool of blood in there right now!" I fell on my knees and cried hysterically as these two looked on.

"What's wrong with him? This guy probably isn't even here yet." Just then, I heard a very soft voice.

"Who are you?" I opened my eyes and looked up at a very lovely dark-skinned girl. She was wearing a pretty cyan and white dress, with light-green socks and salmon-colored boots. She stared at us with some sort of uncertainty.

"See? He's not here y-"

"I get it!" I pulled myself up from the ground, and turned my attention to answering the girl's question. "We're detectives!"

"Yeah, your family is in terrible danger!" Tarriday informed.

"What do you mean?" I once again tried to answer here.

"Listen here. At 3:35, some guy is going to come and kill you. We need to get you and your family out of that house before then." I stared at her and waited for a response; she stared back with a confused look on her face.

"Yeah… I think you want to talk to my parents about this." She turned around. "Mom! Dad! There are some guys here who want to talk to you!"

Two people approached us, and the girl stepped away from the door. The husband was a big, brawny man, but he wasn't the focal point of my interest; that was in the girl's mom, who looked strangely familiar.

"We're detectives! Your family is in great danger!"

"Great danger?" questioned the father.

"Yes, terrible danger," I responded. "You see, at precisely 3:35 PM, someone is going to come and murder you. We need to get you OUT before he comes in." They stared at me, just as Connie had before, until a very small girl came in. Unlike the older girl, she had blonde hair that was braided in pigtails.

"Who are these men," she asked.

"They're just liars, Emily," she responded. "And you know that lying is a bad thing."

"Yes, mommy."

"But we aren't lying!" Mark pleaded with the woman, but she wouldn't listen.

"Look, Mister, I don't know what's going through your mind or your friends' minds, but you are NOT getting inside this house again after that monstrosity of a job you did watching my house!" She slammed the door in our faces, and I turned back toward my partners.

"Do you know who that is?" They just stood and nodded.

"I knew that woman looked familiar."

"Well, why didn't you two mongooses tell me?!" I slapped both of them simultaneously. "Regardless, our little accident has come back to bite us. Still, we gotta save them!" Just then, I heard a low rumble in the pit of my stomach. "Say, how much time do we have?"

"We've still got twenty minutes."

"Eh, let's go get a bite to eat." We set out for the Fish Stew Pizza restaurant.


	3. Half-Shot Sherlocks

_We return to our three half-wits as they are conversing to each other. Halliday breaks up the conversation of Tarriday and Mark, having noticed our returned._

Halliday: I'm Halliday.

Tarriday: I'm Tarriday.

Mark: I'm Independence Day!

_Mark holds up what looks like a firecracker. Halliday turns to Tarriday._

Halliday: Hey Tarriday, you smell something burning?

_Halliday looks at the blazing firecracker and screams._

Mark: What's wrong, Halliday?

Halliday: You lamebrain, that's dynamite!

Mark: Dynamite?!

_Mark screams and the terrified trio frantically tosses the explosive between each other, before Mark finally gets a hold of the dynamite and tosses it behind them. An explosion is heard._

Halliday: Now look what you did! You blew up the whole Funland Arcade sign!

Tarriday: Geez, it's gonna cost a fortune to fix that.

Halliday: It'll cost US a fortune, if anyone saw.

Mark: Just act natural; maybe no one will notice.

_Halliday turns away from Mark, but an annoyed scowl remains on his face._

Halliday: Anyway, we had been enjoying ourselves over a few slices of pizza at the restaurant, so much that we lost track of what time it was…

* * *

Like I said, we had been enjoying ourselves.

"…then this guy fires the magic shot, and finally, the lady is in the other room!"

"Wow, how does he do that?"

"Just remember: there's no such thing as magic," I reminded. "It's all in the art of distraction and deception."

"Speaking of magic, shouldn't we be getting back now?"

"Probably. Hey Marky-Mark, what does your watch say?"

"It don't say nothing, you gotta look at it." Annoyed, I got up, walked over, and slapped him. He jumped to his feet. "You try and do that once more!" I slapped him again. "You're afraid to do that again!" Mark received another slap, and he turned to Tarriday. "By golly, he did it."

"Now tell me the time!"

"Okay, okay!" He looked at his watched. "Ahh! We gotta go, guys! We were supposed to be there five minutes ago!" The three of us panicked and got out of there as quickly as we could.

We managed to get to that family's house pretty quickly, but there was still no one in sight when we got there.

"Rats! The killer's already gotten here!"

"You guys go try to find him, I'll be waiting to drag you out after you're done." Mark turned to leave, but I and Tarriday dragged him back inside.

"Oh no you're not, you're staying here wi-" Before I could finish the next sentence, we heard the sound of a glass object crashing against the floor. "We gotta get moving! Mark, you stay here and watch the exit. Porcupine, you come with me." The two of us went upstairs and left Mark down there all alone.

Upstairs, we came to a particularly dark room, of which Tarriday decided to close the door to.

"Geez, it's dark in here. I can't see a thing!" Not knowing where Tarriday was, I remained still. "Tarriday, why'd ya close the door?"

"Habit, I guess."

"Then go and open it!"

"Well… I don't know where the door is now."

"Ugh, you cement-head!" I paused. "There's gotta be a light switch in here somewhere! Porcupine, help me try to find it."

"But we can't see a thing!"

"Can't be killed for trying." Of course, as soon as we started moving, we tripped over each other.

"Halliday, get your hand out of my face!"

"That's not my hand!"

"Okay, you asked for it!" I head the noise of someone biting down on something. "OW! That was my hand!" We pulled ourselves up and kept feeling around for some time, until Tarriday spoke up again.

"Hey Halliday, I found the door."

"What do you want me to do, kiss you?"

"Well…"

"OPEN THE DOOR!" As Tarriday opened the door, we heard a voice bellow from downstairs.

"Halliday! Tarriday! HELP!" We raced downstairs to find Mark, cornered by a small hooded figure. Tarriday acted before I could.

"Stop, or I'll shoot!" Tarriday removed the gun from his holster after much struggle, and aimed at the figure, but I stopped him.

"What's the matter with you?! We don't even know who that is and you're pointing a gun at him!" I shoved him aside. Tarriday crashed into the wall and a vase on a nearby shelf came down right on top of him. It shattered on impact, and Tarriday was out cold. The figure turned around, its face still obscured, and must've noticed the police badge I was wearing. It freaked and ran out as quickly as it could, leaving me to tend to my partners.

The two eventually dragged themselves up from the scene, and I was waiting for them.

"I'll moider you for this!"

"Please," Tarriday began. "Don't do it! I'm a victim of circumstance!"

"I'll circumstance you!" I grabbed a conveniently placed pie that was on a nearby table and threw it at the half-wit, but he ducked- and the pie landed right in the face of the burly dad, who had just come downstairs.

"Ahh! Run, boys!" We darted out of there as quickly as we could. Once we were a safe distance away, we started discussing how to proceed.

"The killer got away!"

"At least the family's safe," Mark remarked.

"Yes, but the killer got away!" I moved towards Mark with some sort of violence in mind, but Tarriday stopped me.

"Calm down! You're probably hungry again." It was only then that I again noticed the rumbling in my stomach.

"Geez, how long we were at the restaurant?"

"We only took a few bites before we had to go."

"Eh, let's go somewhere else."

"The Big Donut?"

"Sure. Let's get moving." And we set off once more.


	4. Back from the Front

_As we return to the present day, Halliday is yelling at Mark for his earlier incompetence in blowing up the Funland Arcade sign, until he notices our return. He returns to his former position._

Halliday: Oh, hello again. I'm sure you all know this by now, but I'm Halliday.

Tarriday: I'm Tarriday.

Mark: I'm New Year's Day!

_Mark raises a party horn to his lips and blows into it, unfurling the horn. Halliday approaches Mark, who does not see Halliday's approach and continues to blow into the horn until Halliday slaps Mark in the mouth, unintentionally pushing the horn into Mark's mouth. The coughing Mark then accidentally swallows the horn. He continues to cough, the noise of the party horn accompanying his coughs._

Tarriday: Now look what you did to him!

Halliday: He had it coming.

_The two run over to Mark, who has managed to suppress his coughing._

Tarriday: Say something!

_Mark tries to speak, but the only noise that comes out of his mouth is that of the party horn._

Halliday: We gotta get that party horn out of him. You got a tong on you?

Tarriday: Why do you need a tong?

_Halliday nods towards Mark._

Tarriday: Oh, I see.

_Tarriday removes a tong from his pocket and gives it to Halliday, who turns to Mark._

Halliday: Open your mouth.

_Mark shakes his head to say no. Tarriday walks behind Mark and holds his mouth open, and Halliday inserts the tong entirely into Mark's mouth. Mark makes various party horn noises as Halliday twists the tong around trying to find the party horn. He eventually pauses._

Halliday: I think it's caught on something

Tarriday: Maybe his vocal chords?

Halliday: We'll find out soon.

_Halliday twirls the tong around in Mark's mouth some more before finally removing the tong, which fails to remove the party horn._

Halliday: Not even a tonsil!

_Halliday punches Mark's stomach in frustration, and the force of the punch is enough to finally get Mark to cough up the party horn. Mark removes the soggy thing form his mouth and discards it on the ground. Halliday returns to his former position._

Halliday: So anyway, we went over to the Big Donut. And we got our donuts, and then we went-

Tarriday: Na, we didn't just go in and get donuts. Don't leave part of the story out, Halliday.

Halliday: Then why don't you tell them what happened?

Tarriday: Wait, you mean I get to tell this one?

_Halliday nods his head._

Tarriday: Well, ok. Mark wanted to make a big entrance, so we did it to get him to shut up…

* * *

We walked into the Big Donut and the show started right away. You see, we used to practice at being a barbershop quartet during high school, so we revived the act for Mark's entertainment.

"Hello…" Halliday began.

"Hello…" Then I chimed in.

"Hello…" And Mark came in for the last one. And then we started doing this shuffle-sort of thing toward the counter and sang in unison.

"We didn't come to borrow any money, we didn't come to borrow any dough, we didn't come to borrow any trouble, we just dropped in to say hello!"

"Oh boy you said it!" As usual, Mark was the one to mess things up. We tried again, in unison.

"We just dropped in to say hello!"

"And don't forget it!" We tried for a third time.

"We just dropped in to say hello!"

Mark almost started to speak again, but Halliday and I covered his mouth with our hands and finished the song without him. When the song was done, we removed our hands from his mouth.

"Hello," Mark butted in. Halliday approached the counter, while Mark and I stared around at all the lovely faces that were staring back at us. But there were these three people in the corner that stood out to me, and yet they were the only ones not staring at us.

One of them was particularly tall, taller than the other two, and had this white hair curled to a point on top. He wore a gray sweatshirt and his orange pants had white stripes on its sides. The second one had brown hair and wore sunglasses similar to one of the people that Halliday said had saved us from that cave monster. The final one was a girl, and had a darker skin tone than her two friends. She wore these big yellow earrings and a black jacket, in which her hands were tucked into the pockets of. She also wore a white undershirt and small purple pants. Like I said, they weren't staring at us, but were chatting with each other. I whispered into Mark's ear.

"You notice anything about those three?" Mark leaned toward my ear.

"That the girl's hot?"

"No, but she is hot. I meant that these three are trying to look cool- and failing."

"Hmm, I wasn't really paying attention to the other two." Mark paused. "Regardless, I'm going in."

"No! Don't go in!" But it was too late; I could do nothing but watch as Mark strode up to the girl.

"Pardon me, but can I-" Before he could say anything else, I ran up and pulled him away.

"Come on, Mark! We're here on business."

"I mean business!" Mark pulled away from me and began to approach the girl once again, but I pulled him back. I looked up at the girl embarrassingly, who was giving us a strange look.

"I'm sorry about him. You see, he was hit on the head as a child."

"Yes," Mark proclaimed. "…many times!"

"What are you lamebrains doing?" Both of us turned around to find Halliday standing behind us.

"Well, this guy thought he could win that girl's heart over there... but I saved him!" Halliday shook his head.

"I got the donuts, so let's get moving!"

We got out of these as quickly as we could and went back to the police station to report the bad news to the chief. We entered his office.

"Well, boys, how did you do?"

"The crook got away," Mark blurted out.

"Did I tell you to speak?!" The irate Halliday slapped Mark twice, hit him in the stomach, bopped him in the face, and hit him in the stomach again before I pulled Halliday away.

"Leave him alone!" Halliday brought up his fist.

"See that?"

"Yeah." I slapped it downward, and Halliday brought it 'round to hit me on the top of the head. Somewhat surprised, I held up my fist. "See that?"

"Yeah," he responded, slapping it upward so that I would hit myself in the face. We likely would have continued the slapstick bout if the police chief had not continued.

"You mean you didn't catch the murderer?!" We shook our heads.

"Fine, we didn't," Halliday eventually admitted.

"Then you're fired!" He got up. "The three of you, get out of here!"

"Aww, come on, boss!" The three of us followed him around, pleading for our jobs back, until the chief finally cracked.

"Okay, okay, I'll give you another chance! But catch that crook!"

"You won't be disappointed," Halliday proclaimed. Halliday snapped his fingers at the chief, then walked toward the door. I did the same, but when Mark went to do it, his fingers didn't snap. He tried several times to snap before I had to pull him away and out the door.

And so we set off, not entirely sure who the suspect was or how we were going to find him.


	5. Masters of Disguise

_When we return to our hapless half-wits, they are turned around and staring at the mess they had made of the Funland Arcade. Workers are now cleaning up the scene of the event, and various police officers are at the scene wondering what happened. Halliday turns around and shakes his head- until he noticed our return. He quietly informs Tarriday and Mark, who turn around with him._

Halliday: I'm Halliday.

Tarriday: I'm Tarriday.

_When no response comes from Mark, Halliday turns to his left to find Mark gone._

Halliday: Hey, where'd that lamebrain Mark go?

_Just then, Halliday turns around to find a man in a bunny suit behind him. He double takes, and makes a small yelp. Tarriday turns toward Halliday and sees the bunny._

Tarriday: Hey look, it's the Easter Bunny!

_Halliday, not quite believing the costume, grabs the bunny by the ears and accidentally removes the mask- revealing none other than Mark. Halliday rolls his eyes._

Halliday: Let me guess, you're…

Mark: I'm Easter Sunday!

_Mark removes a basket containing various colored eggs from behind his back._

Mark: I brought some eggs, if you want any.

_Halliday grabs the bag out of his hands and looks through it. He eventually looks up at Tarriday._

Halliday: Eh, I don't want any. Why don't you have some?

Mark: Well sure!

_Mark holds out his hand expecting to receive an egg, but Halliday angrily smashes it into his face. Mark stumbles backward from the surprise of the moment, and Halliday shoves him off and returns to his former position._

Tarriday: Eh, don't be so mean to him! He's just trying to have some fun.

Halliday: We'll talk about it later; for now, let's just continue the story. Anyway, we had been discussing how we were going to get this crook, and Tarriday reminded me that the perpetrator had been as short as he or she was. Now, when he said this, the thought had occurred to me of that small purple woman who had saved us- could she be the murderer?

Tarriday: Neither of us knew what Halliday was talking about when he started going on about these people, but we figured it was worth a try. Sure, we may not have had a search warrant, but we didn't need one. At least, we thought we didn't.

Halliday: Since it was October at the time, we bought some costumes from a nearby Halloween store, put them on, and headed out to meet with our new suspect…

* * *

We knew where it was, having gotten directions from a nice man who owned this car wash nearby. Even then, it took a while to get there, mostly because Mark couldn't see two feet in front of him with the glasses he was wearing. Still, we eventually did get to the house that these three owned. The purple one was the first to greet us.

"Good day," I began.

"We are wayfarers from strange lands," Tarriday continued, "…and we bring gifts for you. This is the Raja of…"

"Canarsie!" Mark saluted, accidentally hitting me upside the head. In any other situation I would have slapped him back, but we were undercover right now, so I couldn't. I reoriented myself.

"I am his interpreter, the Gin of Rummy," I continued, "…and this is his assistant, the Baron of Double-Crossia." She stared at us for the longest time, and then burst out laughing.

"Please, guys, Halloween isn't for another two weeks!" While she continued to laugh, Tarriday and I entered; Mark needed help getting in because, again, he couldn't see two feet in front of him with his glasses. Tarriday pulled up a chair and sat Mark down while I picked up a nearby table and put it in front of Mark. While Tarriday walked away to get another chair, I walked over to the lady, who had finally subdued her giggling. "So, what are these 'gifts' that you've brought for us?"

"We shall see." Tarriday had by now returned with the chair, and I sat down across from Mark. "Maha!"

"Aha!"

"You like to speak dat?"

"I like to talk dat!

"Rasbanyas yata bene fuchi atimeni kharonchi, that pickle-puss, she asky-tasky what did you fertsaik, you gaddit?"

"Nyothing!"

"Nyothing?"

"Zat! Rasbanyas yata bene fuchi, zyo on'tday…" He shrugged.

"Ooh boy…" I rose from my seat just as a small kid came in from the front door.

"So," the woman asked, "…what did he say?"

"Hey Amethyst, who are these guys?" Before Amethyst could respond, I answered his question.

"This is the Maha-"

"Aha!" Mark jumped to his feet. "Rasbanyas yata bene fuchi atimeni-"

"Be quiet!" Mark grumbled some before sitting down. "Anyway, the Raja says he has many gift for you." I looked over at Mark, who was sitting there with a complacent look on his face. "The gifts?" It was enough to get Mark's attention, and he reached into his coat and scrambled his hand around, eventually pulling out, of all things… a lollipop.

"A lollipop!" The kid joyfully ran over and grabbed it out of Mark's hands.

"It's raspberry!" He walked away licking at the large lollipop, and I returned to my seat opposite him.

"Maha!"

"Aha!"

"Rasbanyas yata bene fuchi atimeni kharonchi, gadda something else, kiddo?"

"Pare di tima hiha, I gonna see dat!" I returned to Amethyst.

"So, what other gifts do you bring?"

"Well, he had some bubble gum, but I think he swallowed it." I would have gone back to talk to Mark some more, but then our savior emerged from the strange-looking white door.

"Amethyst, thank goodness I found you! We…wait, who are these guys?"

"I am the Gin of Rummy," I began, and pointed at Tarriday "He is the Baron of Double-Crossia…" I now pointed at Mark. "And this is the Maha-"

"Aha!" He jumped up again. "Rasbanyas yata-"

"Be quiet!"

"Oh shut up, I don't have to!" He went to sit down again, but his position was off and he landed right on the ground. Tarriday and I ran over to help him out while the white-skinned person talked to Amethyst.

"Rasbanyas yata bene fuchi, I fall down!"

"Get up, you apple-head!" The two of us helped Mark back into his seat, and while we were doing that, the one with the silver sunglasses also emerged from the door. They all now seemed to be walking towards this strange disk-thing in one of the corners of the room, at least until the kid came back into the room. He asked what they were doing.

The white one told him that they were going to the Amazon rainforest because some statue was causing earthquakes and floods. She told him he couldn't come, and Amethyst was quite disappointed.

"Aww, come on, why can't Steven come?"

"Because, he could get hurt if he came with us."

"Eh, we'll just fuse into Opal and save him."

"Opal won't be there to save Steven every time he's in harm's way."

And the two started arguing back and forth with each other. Realizing that we could search the house if they would just leave, I whispered a new plan into Tarriday's ear.

"EVERYONE!" Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked over at me. "The Maha-"

"Aha!" Mark jumped up yet again, but Tarriday shoved him back down before he could say anything else. "The Raja says that the kid, uh…"

"His name is Steven," Amethyst informed.

"Ah yes, Steven; the Raja says that he should accompany you. It will be of great benefit to you."

"Raja?" The muscular one questioned.

"They come from strange lands," Amethyst answered. "Pearl, if the Raja says that he should tag along…"

"Fine, Steven can come."

"Yay!" Steven jumped on the teleporter with the other three.

"Uh, I think you guys should be going now," Pearl had told us.

"I like them," Amethyst proclaimed. "They're hilarious!"

"We'll deal with them when we get back," the muscular one concluded. "Let's warp." Upon those words, they were bathed in a bright blue light. When it disappeared, they were gone.

With them out of the way, we could start searching for evidence.


	6. Who Done It?

_We return to Halliday and Tarriday. Mark has still not returned._

Halliday: I'm Halliday.

Tarriday: I'm Tarriday.

_Mark enters, wearing women's clothing and makeup._

Mark: I'm Mother's Day!

_Mark giggles in a feminine voice. Halliday walks over._

Halliday: Don't remind me of my parents!

_Halliday slaps Mark, knocking his wig off._

Mark: Hmm! What did our parents ever do to you?

Halliday: Remember, flathead, they abandoned us at that orphanage when we were five years old?!

Mark: Oh yeah.

_Mark walks away with his head hung low. Halliday recalls the trio's horrible parents, and begins to cry. Tarriday pats him on the back, comforting him._

Tarriday: I know how you feel about them.

_Tarriday embraces Halliday and tries to comfort him._

Tarriday: We're here for you. But for now, I gotta go stop Mark before he causes us any more trouble.

_Tarriday exits. Halliday stops crying and faces the reader._

Halliday: I could cry all I want, but there's a story to tell to you. Anyway, those three had just left to go find this statue thing. We removed our costumes, and then got to work…

* * *

"Okay, we first have to inform people that this is a crime scene."

"All right." Mark walked outside, and began shouting at the top of his lungs. "This is a police crime scene! Do not approach! I repeat-" I dragged him back inside before he could continue.

"I meant something that might actually keep people away!" I handed him a yellow police banner. "Now go spread this in front of the door." Mark went outside, and I turned to Tarriday. "You, help me look for fingerprints." We approached a nearby counter, and I began looking for fingerprints, but Tarriday got distracted by something. It took about five seconds for me to notice that Tarriday was out of it. "Get busy!" I kicked him in the rear, and that snapped him to attention. He bent down and opened a drawer- which hit me in the face.

"What happened?"

"Nothing." I pointed inside the drawer. "Get that letter." When he reached inside, I closed the drawer on his hand. He yelped in pain, and I pulled his hand out of the drawer. "Get to work!" I moved to the top of the table to look for prints while Tarriday continued to search through desks. "Highly polished mahogany…" At the edge of the table, my magnifying glass caught eye of something… different. "And termites!" The view of the magnifier changed. "With big blue eyes…" I removed the glass from my view to see what I was looking at- which was Tarriday. "Get out of here!" I hit him on the head with the glass, and he got out of there quick enough. Just then, I remembered Mark. "Hey Mark!"

"Yeah?"

"Did you stick that banner on the door?"

"And how!"

"Then get in here! We need you to man the camera!"

"Coming!" Mark was inside quick enough, and we found fingerprints shortly after. "Ready with the camera!"

"Yeah, ready with the camera, coming right up!" The camera was very large, having belonged to our grandfather, and we only used it because we never had enough money to get a new one. While he struggled somewhat to bring it over, we dusted the area where the fingerprints had been. When ready, he began visually probing the table for fingerprints, but the camera began to dart all around the room, eventually setting its sights on a picture of a very beautiful woman situated above the door. Mark obviously thought she was pretty; he wouldn't stop staring at her. I had to walk over and 'remind' him of his assignment.

"The fingerprints!" I kicked Mark in the rear, and that got him focusing again… for about five seconds; in no time he went back to staring at the framed girl. Frustrated with Mark's lack of cooperation, I grabbed the camera to try to refocus him. He just freaked out.

"AHH! Halliday! Tarriday! Help!" He went running towards us, leaving the camera behind. "There was this ugly-looking thing staring at me through the camera! It was horrible!" He paused, realizing what had happened, and turned to me. "What do you know? It was you!" He started laughing.

"Ha ha ha… you imbecile, that was me!" I grabbed a conveniently placed tray on the desk and bashed him over the head with it. He came towards me, anger in his eyes.

"Oh, so you want a fight, eh?"

"Put up your hands!" Mark, always one to take things literally, raised both of his arms into the air. I slapped him.

"Yeah, I'll give it to ya…" He went into this ridiculous fighting stance. "Yeah, you should've seen me back when I fought in the Underground, I was a tough fella…" As Mark continued his monologue, Tarriday and I witnessed a bright green light form on that strange disk-thing from earlier. When it subsided, those four magical people had returned. Mark, not aware of their return, continued his routine. "I walked a big walk, I talked the foul talk, and people would quake before me. Yeah, I was a tough guy…"

"Uh, Mark…" He wouldn't listen.

"Oh, so you're a coward, eh? Well I remember the first time I saved two guys, it was in a bowling alley on the seedy side of town…."

"Mark! Behind you!" Mark turned around and finally believed us. We gathered in a huddle, developed a new plan, and then ran towards Amethyst. "Stand where you are! We're detectives!"

"What are you-"

"Search the suspect!"

"Suspect?!"

"Yeah, and you're the suspect!"

"Hold her for a still," Mark ordered. Tarriday and I posed next to Amethyst, who still didn't seem to understand what we were doing, and Mark took the picture. "Okay, she might have moved, wait a second…" Tarriday and I tried to frisk her, but she shoved us away and ran through that strange white door.

"What are you still doing here?" the muscular one asked us.

"Your friend was at the scene of the crime, and we know exactly why she did it."

"Yeah," Mark interrupted, as Amethyst returned outside. "You see, it was a crime of passion!"

"Um… passion?" Amethyst asked.

"Yes, passion. You see, Amethyte-"

"Amethyst," I corrected.

"Amethyst. You see, Amethyst has always harbored secret feelings for that lad Steven, but he simply loved another girl, and she could hide her envious feelings no more! So…" He pointed at Amethyst. "YOU snuck out and attempted to rub out the competition!" He turned to us.

"Hmm, you're an intelligent imbecile!"

"Indeed! You see, in the lexicon of crime, it is theoretically propounded that passion, inhibition, and delinquency are the major contributing factors. Further, I did some digging on our suspect."

"What did you find?"

"Stories written about her. These stories have allowed me to come to these conclusions."

"If Amethyst did have these feelings," the muscular one intervened, "…then she would have told us by now." She turned to Amethyst. "Right, Amethyst?"

"Of course, Garnet."

"You're missing the point, you see-"

"Wait, Mark!" I interrupted, now questioning the validity of Mark's statement. "Where did you do this 'digging'?"

"Why, the internet, of course." Tarriday and I moaned.

"How many times have I told you, don't trust the internet!" As for the suspect, we just kind of stared at her for a while, at a loss for words.

"You know," Mark eventually concluded, "I don't think Amethyst is the perpetrator of thi-"

"We know!" Tarriday and I should in unison. Amethyst began pushing us toward the door.

"Well, it's been nice meeting you, but you gotta go now. Bye!" She shut the door in our faces, and opened the door again five seconds later to toss out all of our equipment. Tarriday picked up the camera and we were off.

Our only suspect had been cleared. Once again, we weren't sure where to go.


	7. Up in Emily's Workshop

_When we return, Halliday is still by himself; neither Tarriday nor Mark have returned._

Halliday: I'm Halliday.

_Tarriday enters._

Tarriday: I'm Tarriday.

_There is silence. Halliday turns to Tarriday. _

Halliday: I thought you said you were looking for that pudding-head Mark.

_Tarriday turns around and is surprised to see that Mark has disappeared._

Tarriday: He was right behind me a minute ago!

Halliday: Knowing him, he could be anywhere.

Voice: Hey, guys!

_Halliday and Tarriday turn around to find Mark clutching to an upright flagpole situated on top of the Funland Arcade._

Mark: I'm Flag Day!

_Halliday runs inside, goes up a flight of stairs, and emerges on the roof of the building. He approaches the flagpole._

Halliday: You get down from there right now!

Mark: Hey, I think I can see Mayor Dewey's house from here!

_Frustrated with Mark's lack of cooperation, Halliday begins to climb up the flagpole as Mark pleads with Halliday not to._

Mark: No, Halliday, don't! I really don't think you should do that!

_Halliday ignores Mark's pleas and finally reaches the top. However, their combined weight is too much for the flagpole to bear- it tilts over, and now hangs over the edge of the building. The change leaves Mark hanging onto Halliday's legs for dear life, who is also perpendicularly hanging from the pole._

Halliday: Let go of my legs!

Mark: What do you think I got? Wings?!

Halliday: You let go or I'll hit you over the head with this flagpole!

Mark: I'm slipping!

Tarriday: Hang still, guys, I'll go get something for you two to land on!

Halliday: With this guy hanging on to me, hanging still is a promise I can't make!

_Tarriday exits, and returns shortly after with a mattress._

Tarriday: How you doing up there, guys?!

_Mark attempts to climb up, but accidentally pulls down Halliday's pants, turning them inside out. Mark screams and desperately hangs on to Halliday's pant legs._

Halliday: What's going on down there? I feel a draft!

Tarriday: You don't wanna know.

_Tarriday positions the mattress so that it is directly below the two._

Tarriday: Okay, you're clear to drop!

_Mark lets go._

Mark: Some Indian's name!

_Mark lands on the mattress unharmed. Halliday lets go of the flagpole, screaming all the way down onto the mattress. Once he lands, the two get up._

Halliday: I'll moider you for this! I'll moider you with… with…

_Halliday reaches into Tarriday's pocket and removes the tong he used earlier._

Halliday: With this tong!

_Mark screams and runs off. Halliday pursues him._

Tarriday: I guess it's just me again. You see, after that, we were stuck for a while on what to do next, but we eventually decided that what we needed was more evidence before we could decide on another crook. We went back to that lady's house to get more evidence…

* * *

It was a stormy day when we came back. The rain pounded down upon us as we got out of our squad car. Halliday and I ran inside as quick as we could, while Mark took things a bit more slowly because he was the only one who had an umbrella. Halliday quickly grew impatient with Mark.

"Hurry up!" Mark hurried to get inside, but the howling wind held him back. When Mark finally got inside, the wind had turned his umbrella inside out. "Quit stalling! You know we have work to do!"

"I can't help it, my umbrella won't close!"

"Then give it to me, I'll close it!" Halliday took the umbrella in his hands, but the shifting support of the umbrella caused all the water on top of the inside-out umbrella to tumble right onto Halliday. As Halliday finally closed the umbrella, Mark burst out laughing.

"Wise guy! So you got a shower, eh?"

"I'll shower you!" Halliday swung the umbrella toward Mark, but he ducked and it hit the next person in its path- me. As I stumbled backward, the three of us heard a high-pitched voice laughing.

"Who's there?" We all asked. Suddenly, a light turned on in the room in front of us, revealing a very small girl. She had blond hair, braided in bunches on each side of her head, and wore a red bow in her hair and a pink dress.

"Sillies, it's only me." She walked over to a small table in the middle of the room and sat down in one of the several chairs that surrounded the table. "Aww, come on, am I really that frightening? Sit down, stay a while." The three of us slowly walked over. Mark and I sat down, but she stopped Halliday. "Don't sit there!" The girl quickly pulled up another chair for him to sit in.

"Why not?"

"Pinkamina's already sitting there." Halliday looked down at the empty chair, somewhat confused.

"Where is she?"

"She had to go use the bathroom, but she'll be back soon."

"Well… all right." Halliday sat down.

"My parents are out right now. Connie's with them too. They said the babysitter would be here, but he never came." The girl reached under the table and brought up a tray of cookies. "Want some?"

"Certainly!"

"Okay!" She portioned us. "One for you, one for you, one for you, one for me, and one for you, Pinkamina!" She placed the cookie on the plate of this 'Pinkamina' to no response. "Not hungry? Well, you'll warm up eventually."

"Thank you, Misses…" We paused, not knowing her name.

"My name is Emily."

"Thank you, Emily," we simultaneously responded.

"You're welcome," she responded with a little giggle. We quickly downed the cookies she had given us.

"So, do we mind if we do some searching around?"

"Not at all." We started to get up. "Wait, I'd rather you not search my room."

"Why not?"

"Well, uh, you see…" Emily twirled one of her bunches with her fingers. "I really don't want you to make a mess. You see, my parents would be awful upset at me if they saw my room all messy when they came home. We wouldn't want that, would we?"

"Of course not!"

"So… please? For me?" She looked up at us with this pleading look on her face, and our hearts couldn't bear the sight.

"We won't, Emily, we won't!" Mark was the first to crack, and cracked for the rest of us.

"Okay!" A smile returned to Emily's face, and she returned to her seat at the table.

"Bye, Emily!"

"Bye!" She waved, and we left to another room of the house.

We searched the house, careful to avoid Emily's room, but our 'thorough' search yielded nothing. I say thorough because I don't trust Mark's word that he thoroughly searched his end of the house. Regardless, we met back in the front room after some time had passed.

"Guys, we've been at this for an hour now," I informed. "I don't think we're going to find anything."

"There's one room we haven't checked…"

"Emily's room!" Halliday approached Mark. "You lamebrain, we can't go in there!"

"Why not? Emily said that the only reason we couldn't go in there was because she didn't want us to make a mess. All we have to do is clean up after ourselves."

"Hmm. It's a swell idea, actually," Halliday concluded. "We should go tell Emily." Only problem was that Emily was nowhere to be found.

"Emily? Emily?" We looked all over the house, but we couldn't find her.

"Let's just go in. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

Her room was easy to find; it was labelled with a poorly-drawn picture of a pink pony. We entered, and took in the bright, cheery colors of the room. Various pictures of rainbows and flowers peppered the walls. As we were absorbing the colors, the door slammed behind us. We heard a familiar voice come from behind us.

"What did I tell you about entering my room?"


End file.
